Purely Personal

Wow! It has been an awfully long time since I've posted. Thank you to all my dear followers, especially the ones who have joined during my absence. This post is about to get pretty personal, so if you're bothered by that sort of thing, then you may want to ignore this post. I promise to have more lolita specific content soon!

So, my last post was near the end of January. A lot has happened between then and now, some of it good - some of it not so much. This post is not directly lolita related, although the fashion does play a large role in the following story.

I'd like to think from the outside I put on a pretty good front of being happy and well adjusted for quite some time. Not just as part of my online persona, but in my personal life as well. The truth - I would eventually discover - was that I was very unhappy. The thing was, I should have been happy. I was working in a job that directly aligned with my bachelor's degree, and I did like it. Thanks to that job I was able to expand my lolita wardrobe quite a bit, and was really pleased with this. Additionally, I am married to the most wonderful man that accepts me for everything I am - the good and bad. There was no reason for me to feel so overwhelmed and listless.

My life consisted of coming home from work, obsessing over lolita on the internet, and avoiding going to bed until I was so tired I'd pass out on the couch - because I dreaded going to bed because it meant I'd have to get up in the morning. Eventually I began to wonder if I was simply lazy. I was falling behind in my duties at work, not to mention housework. Cooking seemed so overwhelming, so I ate out all the time and as a result reached the highest weight I'd been in my entire life.

The more I thought about it, I began to wonder if I was depressed. So I began to research it, but doubted the possibility. I was still captivated by lolita and was such an active participant in it. From what I had read, one of the symptoms of depression is a loss of interest. That didn't seem to be the case when it came to this fashion. I was attending as many meets as possible and was planning a trip to Disney World with my two best lolita friends.

Eventually I went to a doctor to find out if there was some kind of hormonal imbalance, since I knew I was having some kind of difficulty as I was becoming increasingly irritable - especially around certain times of the month. The doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression. As hard as it was to accept, it makes sense. Not only do I have a genetic predisposition, but aside from my general lethargy, I would often wake up in the morning and wish for death while getting ready for work. Or I would fantasize about getting into a car accident during my commute so that all my stress would be over. I would not say that I was suicidal - but I certainly did not want to be alive. At the time I found no significance in these thoughts and feelings.

So, I have been getting treatment for my depression, and it is the best thing that I have ever done. I now wonder how long I was coping with some form of depression because I cannot honestly recall the last time I've felt so happy. I am no longer obsessed with lolita, and I've begun to go longer periods without having something in the mail. I no longer browse the auctions and second hand sites daily. I spend money on other hobbies and interests outside of lolita - including travel! I have more patience, and faith that everything will work out - despite some of the challenges I have ahead of me.

If you've made it this far, I thank you. I hope you will continue to read my blog as I enter this happier and more exciting chapter of my life!