Pages

Friday, June 26, 2015

Purely Personal



Wow! It has been an awfully long time since I've posted. Thank you to all my dear followers, especially the ones who have joined during my absence. This post is about to get pretty personal, so if you're bothered by that sort of thing, then you may want to ignore this post. I promise to have more lolita specific content soon!

So, my last post was near the end of January. A lot has happened between then and now, some of it good - some of it not so much. This post is not directly lolita related, although the fashion does play a large role in the following story.

I'd like to think from the outside I put on a pretty good front of being happy and well adjusted for quite some time. Not just as part of my online persona, but in my personal life as well. The truth - I would eventually discover - was that I was very unhappy. The thing was, I should have been happy. I was working in a job that directly aligned with my bachelor's degree, and I did like it. Thanks to that job I was able to expand my lolita wardrobe quite a bit, and was really pleased with this. Additionally, I am married to the most wonderful man that accepts me for everything I am - the good and bad. There was no reason for me to feel so overwhelmed and listless.

My life consisted of coming home from work, obsessing over lolita on the internet, and avoiding going to bed until I was so tired I'd pass out on the couch - because I dreaded going to bed because it meant I'd have to get up in the morning. Eventually I began to wonder if I was simply lazy. I was falling behind in my duties at work, not to mention housework. Cooking seemed so overwhelming, so I ate out all the time and as a result reached the highest weight I'd been in my entire life.

The more I thought about it, I began to wonder if I was depressed. So I began to research it, but doubted the possibility. I was still captivated by lolita and was such an active participant in it. From what I had read, one of the symptoms of depression is a loss of interest. That didn't seem to be the case when it came to this fashion. I was attending as many meets as possible and was planning a trip to Disney World with my two best lolita friends.

Eventually I went to a doctor to find out if there was some kind of hormonal imbalance, since I knew I was having some kind of difficulty as I was becoming increasingly irritable - especially around certain times of the month. The doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression. As hard as it was to accept, it makes sense. Not only do I have a genetic predisposition, but aside from my general lethargy, I would often wake up in the morning and wish for death while getting ready for work. Or I would fantasize about getting into a car accident during my commute so that all my stress would be over. I would not say that I was suicidal - but I certainly did not want to be alive. At the time I found no significance in these thoughts and feelings.



So, I have been getting treatment for my depression, and it is the best thing that I have ever done. I now wonder how long I was coping with some form of depression because I cannot honestly recall the last time I've felt so happy. I am no longer obsessed with lolita, and I've begun to go longer periods without having something in the mail. I no longer browse the auctions and second hand sites daily. I spend money on other hobbies and interests outside of lolita - including travel! I have more patience, and faith that everything will work out - despite some of the challenges I have ahead of me.

If you've made it this far, I thank you. I hope you will continue to read my blog as I enter this happier and more exciting chapter of my life!

10 comments:

  1. Wow! This is a bit bizarre because I feel like I have been going through very similar thoughts and feelings. Especially since I started my job my anxiety and introversion has gotten worse and my motivation is"do just enough and go home". I think a lot of it has to do with my genetics too as almost everyone in my direct family is kind of "off" but have too much pride to go to therapy or get medication...There are so many what "if's" and such that go through my head everyday and I recently started asking myself if I should get help as well. I have an awful time swallowing pills, so I am afraid of doing that heh
    ><; One of my favorite youtubers also just posted a video about depression today as well, maybe it's a sign! :0 Thanks for sharing, I know it's not easy to talk about.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, new jobs and transitions in life can apparently cause stress that can lead to depression. Also if you suspect you have a genetic predisposition it's possible. It's most definitely worth investigating though! It's indescribable the difference getting treatment makes.

      Delete
  2. I'm so glad to hear things have been better for you since getting treatment for your depression! And thank you for sharing too :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Things are definitely much better now.

      Delete
  3. It's great that you are getting treatment, I hope that you can put all of this behind you soon :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm happy you are ok! I missed reading your posts. (If this is too personal, don't worry about it) I know all treatments are different, but I'm curious what treatment(s) worked for you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww thanks, and it's okay, I don't think it's too personal, I kind of put a lot of personal thoughts and feelings out already.

      I ended up going to a psychologist first, who gave me a diagnoses and made a medication suggestion. I had to see my regular doctor to get the prescription because the psychologist cannot write prescriptions. Luckily the first medication (bupropion) she prescribed worked, and I continued to see her for a while - but I've pulled back recently because I've been feeling better. I hope to be off the medicine one day, but for now it is the best option for me.

      Delete
    2. Thanks for your reply! I'm glad you found something that works for you.

      Delete
  5. Congrats for taking that step. My mom tried to take me to a psychiatrist once when I was 19 but I tought it was such a waste of time and money... Maybe I was wrong. I can identify with many of the things you say, being excited about some things and at the same time feeling no motivation to do others. Feeling "lazy" and "sad" even when you really have no reason why. Ah, I don't know. I just don't feel like doing therapy. When I went to that psychiatrist I told him everything I could but I never felt like he could undearstand me. All I could think of was the stain in his shirt. Kinda like the first episode of Breaking Bad when Walter couldn't stop looking at that mustard stain in the doctors coat. Ugh, life... Genetical predispositions... Well I don't want to self diagnose. Anywho, thank you for sharing this with your readers. I'm excited to see what you have for us next. So glad you're feeling better.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...